Remember the time a bra made me cry?

I DO!  IT WAS TODAY!

I have been anxiously awaiting the arrival of my new Enell bra.  I started running with the hubs recently, but until I found a decent sports bra, it's been hard to do much of it.  I've been wearing three bras and still having to hold my boobs cleverly with my arms when I run so as not to put an eye out or straight up get sore jugs.  It's awful and awkward and probably unattractive.

Well after polling my friends, doing copious amounts of research, and trying on the "sports bras" offered at Lane Bryant (the ONLY store within 50 miles of my that carries halfway decent plus sized underthings), I ordered the Enell 100, the sports bra to end all sports bras.  Online reviews said it would strap you in like nothing else, eliminate all bounce, and that their sizing system is "idiot proof and flawless."

I measured myself and ordered one.

And waited.

It came today.  I was so excited when I got the USPS email notification that it had arrived!  I couldn't wait to rush home from work and try it on.

I snatched it from the mailbox, stripped down in the living room and tried it on.

It's horrible.

The band is tight, as advertised.  The website states that it may feel too small at first, but this is part of the design/support.  Ok, I thought, As I continued hooking it up.  I adjusted myself.  I looked down.  Hmmm...this looks weird.  I went into the bathroom and checked myself out in the mirror.

While the band is so tight I can barely breathe, the cups are HUGE.  Like, so huge I could smuggle oranges or possibly my twelve pound dog.  The straps are too long (and not adjustable) and it provides no support whatsoever, because the cups, which I measured to fit myself, are ginormous.

I stared at myself and cried.  Over a fucking bra.

To most of you, this probably seems ridiculous.  Maybe I need a nap.  Maybe I have PMS.

Maybe let me explain.

When you spend your entire life not fitting into things you want to, and not looking pretty in things you want to, and you find a garment specifically designed for women with your body type, a garment to make your new fitness routine that you are so excited about a little less awkward and painful, and it doesn't fit you even a little bit, it pretty much makes you want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

Fuck bras.  Fuck boobs.  I'm really pissed.

Flat Foot Floogie

Dr. Livingstone and Dr.Schwalenberg.  They are excellent.  And super weird.  And hilarious.  They're our chiropractors.

I started seeing Heather Livingstone this summer when I was having excruciating headaches, and while I'm still having some neck stiffness/pain from time to time, I can say with 100% confidence that she has helped me more than my neurologist, more than the ER doctors, more than Imitrex or Maxalt or Ibuprofen or Excedrin or Vicodin.  She is awesome.

Dr.Lee is Jeff's chiro.  I've seen him a few times when his lovely wife was out of town or unavailable.  He is super weird and inappropriate and so funny...just what I like in my practitioners (as long as they still know what they're doing, which he does).  First of all, he's a super feminist (not even sure if he knows it).  We had a long conversation about the double standard between overweight men and overweight women at one of my visits.  Another time, we had a conversation about how men just shave and slap on deodorant and are ready for the day, and women are pressured by society to slap ten tons of creams and paints and sprays and whatevers onto their faces and bodies to look perfectly shellacked at all times.

Like I said, they're the shit.  If you're in the valley and need a chiro, it's worth the drive to K-town.

Now, the point of the story.

Dr.Lee mentioned to Jeff that he does barefoot running.  I was super skeptical.  And by that I mean, I thought he was crazyballs.

Have fun stepping on glass and dog turds!

Jeff started doing it a few weeks ago.  He's wanted to start running for awhile, but whenever he tried to start a running routine, his feet and knees would cause problems, swell, and get painful within a few days of starting.  After a few weeks of barefoot running, no problems.  He ordered "barefoot shoes" so he can do it in the winter and so his nasty feet won't track ten tons of dirt into the house.  After about a week of running, he was already up to 1K plus walking...not a marathon by far, but when you start from zero, that's pretty impressive.

He talked me into going with him.  I HATE being barefoot because my feet feel icky and God knows what's on the sidewalks.  However, when I'd run in the past, the arches of my feet would ache and burn after about 100 yards of running.  This happened in Sauconys, New Balances, Adidas, and Reeboks.  Nikes fit my feet weird and I hate them, so I didn't even try them for running.  

I've only been out a few times, but so far, no foot pain.  In fact, the only thing bothering me on our walk/runs are my boobs, because my sports bras are nearing the end of their lives.

Curse you, breasts!

My Big Fat Revenge

Have you ever seen that show?  It's on Oxygen, and the producers should be ashamed of themselves.  Picture a fat person, who goes through professional training for 3 months to lose weight.  After their weight loss, they take revenge out on a person who made them feel ashamed while they were fat.  Holy.  Crap.  It's so bad.  So, so bad.  Although I have to say, there are a few bullies in my life, both fat related and not, that it would feel really good to give the ol' "eff you" to...really?  Is that how you want to celebrate your health and your new life?

That said, two things have happened since I last blogged.
1) I started having debilitating headaches.  Like, headaches so bad I thought I blew an aneurysm or was having a stroke.  After thousands of dollars of testing, these headaches apparently have no cause.  Fantastic.  Good news, I haven't had one in almost a month, so there's that.  I also wasn't able to do anything physical for a few weeks because I was sick all the time, but now I'm back to walking Taco daily and sometimes jogging with him, but after 3-4 weeks of lying on the couch feeling like death, I pretty much had to start the training over from square one.  BUT at least I'm starting over and not giving up!

2) Some light as potentially been shed on my perpetual fatness.  Among many other things, a specialist that I see thinks I might have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).  Even though my hormone panel a few years ago looks normal, I have every.  Single.  Symptom.  Of.  This.  Syndrome!  In addition to difficulty getting pregnant (check), excess weight around the middle (check), dark patches of skin (check), raspy/deep voice (check on the raspy), metabolic syndrome (check), hormone fluctuations make it darn near impossible for PCOS-ers to achieve or maintain significant weight loss.  After over a year on Weight Watchers, I'm down 24 lbs (almost 20 of which was lost in the first 6 months), my doc says it's pretty impressive that I've been able to achieve this and maintain it with messed up blood sugars and hormones but to be honest, it's embarrassing and not what I want at all.  So I'm now taking a host of supplements because I don't want to start another new medication...so I'm hoping the Cinnamon and EPO will help.  I really don't want to take Metformin, the side effects are awful and for my issues it would be a band-aid (and I already have one of those slapped over my blood pressure).


Also...as I write this, I'm watching this episode of Extreme Weight Loss about Trina who's an RN and bawling my damn eyes out as I write this.

Playlist

Try as I might, I legit can't run more than like a quarter mile without my calves siezing up.  What. The. Deuce. It's really getting annoying. I take baby Taco out for a walk/run at the dog park, and halfway around the lake, mama has to stop and stretch out her calves. 

Frankly, I'm surprised it's my calves, as usually my pain issues are concentrated in my lower back and right hip from a work-related injury in 2008ish.  Now my CALVES are jumping ship, too??  Uncool, guys.  Uncool.

So basically, the next plan is just to fight my way through it.

Since I don't have an iPod or any other portable music device, I sing to myself to get through the running and subsequent walking.  Usually I just sing "Just Keep Swimming" a'la Dory from Finding Nemo in my head the entire time, but that gets a bit tedious. 

What are your go-to work out/inspiration/motivating/jam out songs?  I need help with a playlist I can sing in my head.  Or maybe for the day when I have enough disposable income to purchase an iPod. GO.

Frickin Work Snacks

I'm sitting here at my desk, trying to be a good girl and eat my raspberry yogurt (which is not good, by the way; after a year of eating Greek yogurt, we were broke this week so I went back to Light & Fit - NOT GOOD. It tastes like sadness and high fructose corn syrup) and everyone is walking around with cookies and donuts.

It's 6:25pm people.  Donuts are appropriate for pre-noon consumption only (which is convenient for me because I'm usually to nauseated to eat too much in the mornings. And no, I'm not pregnant, I have reflux like woah).

Things I would splurge for today (or any day, really): a cherry oatmeal cookie from Scaturos (these are the most delicious baked good to ever grace the face of the earth. If you're ever in Door County, I highly suggest picking some up if you have the means).  A vegetarian Reuben or Monte Cristo (with lots of mustard).  As previously discussed, poutine.

But not cookies or donuts.  Try again, office snack bringers!

Bariatric Surgery

This is something that crosses every fat person's mind from time to time...gastric bypass (roux en y), lap band, gastric sleeve, etc.  Two years ago, I contacted a bariatric surgeon in my area to get more info and go to a seminar.  Unfortunately, at the time, my insurance had a complete veto on all bariatric services (and infertility treatments, but that's another painful story).  I always thought this was crap. I had co-workers who had facial plastic surgeries which were covered under our insurance (under the guise of vision and nasal problems) but I couldn't get evaluated or treated for obesity.  Not even nutritionist services were covered well (our in-house nutritionist at the clinic I worked for, for example, was covered at 60% unless I appealed and had my physician document months of failed weight loss attempts). 
I've been doing Weight Watchers on and off for two years.  This last year, I really buckled down and had some great success.  However, since moving in February, I've not lost any additional weight because I've gotten lazy about it.  The good news is, I've also not gained any weight.  So several weeks ago, I started strictly following the program again (aside from my sister's wedding weekend, which was gluttonous and lazy and delicious).
I've also considered contacting my new insurance company to see if bariatric services are covered.  I've ruled this out at the current time.  Jeffers and I are $15,000 in medical debt from previous procedures (not related to obesity).  A bariatric procedure would add our $1,500 deductible plus at least 20% of the surgical cost (another $3,000 to $7,000) on to these medical bills.  It's just not feasible for us.  Also, until I get my mentality, emotions, habits, and desires on the same page, the surgery would be a waste of money. 
For those who do pursue surgery, more power to you.  There is a stigma on weight loss surgery that it is the "easy way out."  Not at all.  Post op, the patient has to work REALLY hard to maintain a diet that won't make them sick, but also won't make them malnourished.  It's a tricky balancing act.  They may lose their hair, develop thyroid and gallbladder problems, and have pounds upon pounds of excess skin in their way that will likely require further surgeries.  It's no picnic, and I salute anyone who chooses bariatric surgery (and to be honest, would love to hear more about your experiences as it's an area in which I have almost no knowledge).  But almost all of them say it is 100% worth it.

It may not be the answer for me at this point, I'm not sure I know what is just yet.

***Disclaimer: Again, I will say, I am lovely and am not trying to lose weight for my appearance. I would like to never have to take a Metoprolol again and am really looking forward to beating my C-Pap machine with a bat like in Office Space.

Extreme Weight Loss

Have you seen this show?  It's addicting.

Things I hate about it: it FEROCIOUSLY fat shames the participants.

Things I love about it: unlike other weight loss shows (like Biggest Loser) there are no contestants.  I always thought that was so fucked up...however many people who REALLY need to lose weight are pitted againste each other and some go home before they learn anything.  WTF.  On this show, participants (not contestants) are on the journey for a full year, instead of abusing their bodies for a few weeks (if that) and being turned loose before good habits are developed.

Fat Shaming

 

 

There is an ugly, ugly phenomenon called "fat shaming."
Have you ever seen the dog and cat shaming websites?

Somehow, it's funnier when it's a dog.



It's kind of like that, except mean and hateful and involving humans.  It can be blatant or sneaky.  It comes from complete strangers, friends, doctors and close family members.  Speaking from personal experience, it cuts you to your very core and few things are more humiliating.

Here are a few examples of fat shaming that I've experienced.  They may not seem vile, but when they're directed at you, you're made to feel as though your weight is the only thing about you that matters.

1) The "very concerned" talk about health.  This is presented as "love" and "well-meaning."  What it is, is thinly veiled judgement.  As fat people, I guarantee we all know we're fat.  You absolutely, positively, 100% do not need to remind us.  And guess what else!  We, and we alone, are the only ones (as individuals) know what our health issues are.  But wait, there's more!  Some of us, in spite of being fat, have no major health issues whatsoever.  It is possible to be fat and healthy.  For you to look at us and assume we're unhealthy is straight up stereotyping and bigotry.  Now, with that said, I do have sleep hypopnea and borderline hypertension.  These are issues I'm working on through exercise and dietary changes.  But my cholesterol and blood sugar are fantastic. Not all fatties are type two diabetics.


2) Worrying about our relationships.  If a fat person is alone, much like a thin person alone, they are probably CHOOSING that life for themselves.  Fat does not equal lonely.  Fat people get married, too (I am living proof of this). Sometimes, fat people even have sex.  HOLY SHIT!  Quit worrying that we'll be alone forever.  Some of us, in spite of being fat (which apparently equals disabled and/or socially retarded?) manage to find another fat person or a skinny person who isn't afraid of being snapped in half like a twig in bed and settle down with them.  Most of us are just as easy to love as you.

3) Appearance, hygiene, and laziness.  Fat people are not lazy as a general population.  Yes, some of us are, but no more so than thin people. 
Some of us have eating disorders, addictions, slow metabolisms, were taught shitty eating and exercise habits growing up (it takes a long time to fix years of bad examples), have hormonal issues, etc. 
I'm not trying to make excuses, because some of us are indeed quite lazy.  Just like any subset of the population, a cross section of fatties is pretty diverse. 
But this is my number one pet peeve related to fat shaming: Assuming we are all lazy and unkempt and smelly. 
Look at a fatty: assume they're fat because they're lazy.  Then, assume that they're also smelly because they're lazy.  Then, assume they're wearing sweatpants because they're lazy.  It's so easy! 
Maybe they're fat because they feel attractive at their present weight.  Maybe they have struggled with their weight for years and are secretly miserable.  You, looking at them, have no idea.  If they do smell, maybe it's because they just worked out (chances are, however, they smell pretty good). Maybe they're wearing sweatpants because stylish plus sized clothing is ridiculously expensive and hard to find in a lot of areas.

Fat people do have some potential hygiene issues that thin people don't have. For example, very large breasted women and those with skin folds are prone to yeast infections.  GUESS WHAT.  Most of us know these things are possible and take great care to avoid them.  A lot of us have a trusted, brutally honest individual we will go to if there are any questions that we smell or look sloppy (just like you have a friend or spouse that you trust to tell you these things).  I have three: my husband, my sister, and my BFF.  They tell me when my clothes look unfortunate and have been asked to let me know if I stink. The reports on my aroma and appearance are unanimously positive.  Even though I'm fat, I somehow manage to look attractive sometimes.  Shocking, I know.

And according to them, I smell fucking great. Like rainbows, unicorn tears, sunshine, and nag champa.

Also, I'm fat.  Also, I walk my dog every day.  Also, I'm training to run a 5K.  Also, I work 40 hours or more each week.  Also, I will soon be a full time student in addition to all this other stuff.  Lazy?  Fuck you.

In closing, I would like to say this.  The next time you fat shame someone, know this: YOU ARE NOT SNEAKY. WE ARE ON TO YOU. WE ARE SILENTLY HATING YOU AND CURSING YOUR VERY NAME. ALL YOU ARE SUCCEEDING IN DOING IS SECURING YOUR SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL AND ALIENATING US.

If those are your goals, well done.  If not, quit it.

OM NOM NOM



Really?



Based on the above statement, I have no option but to boldly say Kate Moss is on crack.

I've always hated that statement. However, I've never been thin, so I have no idea if skinny feels better than poutine tastes.  Maybe it does.  All I know is, poutine is friggin delicious.



FOODGASM

With that said, a life of "treating myself" (which is in quotes because it's not truly a "treat" if it's a daily or even weekly indulgence) on things like delicious, amazing poutine has caused me to be, um...let's call it "less than healthy."

Why is poutine more appealing than celery?  Why does a bacon cheeseburger sound amazing right now, even though I've been a pescetarian for almost a year?  Why does tartar sauce make most fish taste better?  How did our taste buds and/or preferences get so messed up?



"Heeeeeeeeeelp me!"


My husband and I were recently talking, and he had what I consider to be a brilliant thought. Our dog, Taco, eats what he's given. Occasionally, that's a small piece of bacon.  Usually not, because he's a little shit. But on a daily basis, he eats Iams.  He happily snarfs it down, blissfully unaware of the deliciousness being cooked mere feet from his dog bowls.



Lucky bastard.

What if humans had food that came in bags, was nutritionally balanced, came in a few formulas for varying needs (ie low fat, grain free, etc), and we could just pour a bowl and eat it?

I know what you're thinking..."Angie, such foods DO exist, and they're called organic fruits and vegetables, lean proteins, and whole grains."  Settle down, hippie, I'm aware of that.

That doesn't count. We still have to choose organic produce, whole grains, and lean proteins among the sea of crap.  We still have to prepare them properly. 

I want to be fed like cattle.  The items I eat and amount of them is specifically chosen for me and no other options are presented. 

Too bad this brilliant idea would not work.  Humans, unfortunately, are too smart and too sneaky for that nonsense.  We're like junk food ninjas.

Pictured above: me

Sugar, fat, and salt taste good.  Plain and simple.  Bacon tastes better than celery.  Pizza is generally more appealing than a salad.  Anyone who says differently is either lying or has a serious sensory problem and should see their doctor immediately if it lasts longer than four hours.

My bad...that's a DIFFERENT problem.

*Sigh*
I guess humans have two strikes against them from the start.  We're smart and sneaky, and we're programmed to like things that are bad for us.  There is no factory reset to turn off the "fat sugar and salt are delicious" setting and turn on the "I want vegetables all the time" setting.  Guess I'm just going to have to think carefully about what I eat, weigh my decisions, and make good choices.

Also, FOOD IS AMAZING!  It's delicious and powerful fuel. We socialize with it.  It's the basis for numerous holiday celebrations and family/group gatherings. The memories we make and share surrounding food are an integral part of the human experience.

So Kate Moss, shut your face.  I'm changing your quote.

Take THAT.

Gardening = Workout?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's FINALLY nice out.  FINALLY.  I always feel so invigorated when I can open all the windows in my house and enjoy the breeze and fresh air. 

 

Even if the fresh air in my house occasionally smells like the papermill that I am 1/2 mile upwind from.  When it's humid, it smells like an old hobo's infected foot with sauerkraut on top.  When it's dry, it smells like straight up sauerkraut (which I actually don't mind).

 

But I digress.

 

Today, I didn't officially work out.  But I did do my gardening, and I'm counting that as a workout. 

 

I wandered around Home Depot looking for the right potting soil for a half hour.  I broke a sweat, but I think that's just because it was 85 degrees out and I had a hoodie on.  I didn't think my ratty ass gardening tank top with holes in it (one in the boob area) would be appropriate.  Instead of changing shirts, I added the heaviest damn sweatshirt I own.  WTF is wrong with me??

 

Anyway, then planted mesclun greens, spinach, swiss chard, watermelon, snow peas, snap peas, basil, chives, lavender, tarragon, oregano, mint, dill, and an unidentified herb that's too teeny to tell what it is right now.

 

I sat and enjoyed the hot sun on my shoulders.  I lugged 34 quart bags of potting soil up and down the stairs. I carried 10 pots onto the lawn, filled them with soil, planted my little veggie babies, then lugged full pots back up onto the balcony. I carried two gallon containers of water out to water them. I did all this for over an hour.  My legs are sore today...more sore than when I go jogging!  Heck yes, I count my gardening as a workout.

A few things:

1) The first thing to know is that FAT is not a dirty word.  This blog title, Fatty Fatty 2x4, is not meant to be offensive. If people can hurl FAT at me like it's offensive, I can sure as heck throw it around all I please.  It's not a dirty word, just like skinny, chunky, athletic, curvy, heavy, chubby, etc. People perverted the word, and I'm taking it back.

2) Please read, comment, laugh, share, whatevs. So many heavy people are trapped in a vicious cycle of secrecy and shame, and I'm putting it all out there.  I'll be documenting my 5k training and fitness progress, as well as any/all miserable but temporary failures that occur along the way.

3) Some of you may be surprised by this blog, as I've always been a huge proponent of body love, and that anyone/everyone is beautiful in their own way, regardless of the number on the scale, the hair on their head, the color of their skin, their scars, their body modification, their height, etc. I still feel that way!  This is purely health motivated, and not appearance motivated.  I am effing gorgeous, and I have an adorable husband who adores me whether I weigh 100 pounds or 1000 pounds.  This is not about the way I look, it's about the way I feel.

That's all :)

I went for my first "run" the other day



I put "run" in quotation marks because I'm basically calling it that to make myself feel better.

I ran for 40 seconds.

Three times.

And walked the rest of the half hour.  Embarrassing.

My feet burned like a mofo.  My back ached.  My quads hurt.  (Surprisingly, I wasn't out of breath.)

This is what I have to say about running.

This is how I was told running would make me feel:

Like a "10"...get it?

It doesn't.  THIS is how running makes me feel:

This shit is no joke.

And THIS is what I probably looked like:

Sexytown, population 1

With that said, I'm doing it again today.  

The search for running shoes

So.

I bought shoes on Wednesday. Nice, cushy, comfy, supportive, running shoes.  I love them.

This is them, in all their sexy glory.

Saucony Cohesion 5, my third true love, after Jeffer and Taco.

They're grey with some yellow and blue, instead of grey with white and pink...but it doesn't really matter.

I went to FinishLine first.  It was less than awesome.  Nothing makes you feel more awkward like being a fat girl at FinishLine.

The teenager there tried to sell me a pair of $150 Nikes. When I tried them on and said "these aren't the shoes for me," he took the box, put it away, and promptly disappeared. I had come with the intention to buy some damn shoes, but apparently if the Nike Crapster shoe doesn't fit, this kid had no use for me.  Amazing.

So, Jeffer and I went to the mecca of shoes in Green Bay...Rogan's SuperDome. 

We walked in, and were greeted by a salesman named Jacob. I explained to him what I was looking for: running shoes for my first 5k, I need a wide toe box and a narrow heel, and I over pronate like a motha.

He said...

"What's that mean?"

Aww shit. A running shoe salesman who doesn't know anything about stride or gait or feet in general. In fact, he also sized my foot while sitting down. Apparently while sitting, I wear a size 8.5. I can't even fit my foot in an 8.5.  Yikes.

The first shoes he fit me in were, of course, the $150 pair of Sauconys. Holy balls, they were comfortable.

It felt like Jesus was cuddling my feet.

But dang kid, $150?  Are you kidding? I wouldn't be at the home of the perpetual BOGO sale (tip: Rogan's is the shizz, and ALWAYS has a BOGO sale on) if cost was a non-issue.  After trying on several more pair of running shoes, I actually found that the $60 Cohesion 5's I bought kicked the crap out of these hella expensive shoes.

Take that, Nike.

And when all was said and done, Jacob was very helpful, despite my initial worries about his knowledge. He spent like 45 minutes with my husband and I, fitting us both in running shoes.  Yes, my husband bought running shoes also.

Seal carcass not included.

He got trail running shoes, in case he has to fight off wolves in the Alaskan wilderness like Liam Neeson. Or make a wetsuit out of a seal carcass like Bear Grylls. Or maybe so he can run with Taco at the dog park lake.  Whatevs.

Holy crap, this Boston business is frickin terrifying.

Can you believe this??  I feel like Boston just became the set of a Michael Bay film.  Frickin bombs going off, city on lockdown, possible terrorist at large...this is no joke.
Here I sit in Wisconsin, thinking "how can I help?  What can I do?  Where the hell is Watertown?"
My idea to "help" Boston is self-motivated. I feel like a greedy a-hole, kind of, but I'm going to do it anyway.
Really...it's not helping at all.  I got the idea off CNN iReport.
I'm going to train for a 5K.  I'm scared.  I'm probably going to barf and pass out at the finish line, if I even make it that far. I'm worried people will stare at my jiggly booty and my ham arms and my boobs and my belly.  But dammit, I'm doing it anyway. 
It may not actually "help" anybody but myself. But it's my small effort to show solidarity in these troubled times.

I'll use this blog to document my training and fitness progress, and document any setbacks that come my way.  HOPEFULLY I will at least inspire and remind myself what I'm doing and why...should I ever forget.

Do they even make running clothes for big ladies?

More importantly...do they make portable barf buckets?